Necrogami

I was sitting here watching numb3rs looking at the various relationships in the show seeing some of my own life in it.

I have come to a quite disturbing realisation. I can only think of one relationship i’ve ever been in. Where i connected with her mentally. And i don’t mean on topics i mean she understood me. She couldn’t always connect with what i was saying or how i was saying but she genuinely tried to understand me. I blew up that relationships with my insecurities of myself and backing myself into a corner with my mind. Not letting her help or try and understand what i was thinking or going through.

I’ve done a lot in my life. Seen a lot of things. Bullshitted a lot of things. One thing i’ve never changed is how i look at relationships. I’ve always cherished the person i’ve been with. Always tried to be the nicest person i could be and the best boyfriend i could. I would never say i have had an overly bad experience. Granted 1 cheated on me. And one betrayed my trust that i still have issues with. But other then those I’m still reasonably good friends with anyone i’ve dated. The one i blew up, We still talk. Were still friends. Granted not as good of friends as we used to be. It’s something i miss.

The group of guys i live with i couldn’t replace for the world. Granted were rough around the edges. But we are a group of friends the world couldn’t come between. We disagree, maybe fight some times. But there’s nothing we couldn’t ask of one other and they wouldn’t drop anything to help with. And that’s not something anything could replace. We understand each other intellectully and that’s very important.

I can say in my life i’ve loved 2 people. One betrayed me and i hid from the other. Most people look back at there life and would change things. Even knowing the heartbreak go through still loving her knowing she’s getting married to someone else. I don’t think i would. She’s happy with who she is. It hurts but i respect her for that.  We made our peace years ago. It always will stur up past memories when we talk. I’ll always go back to the great 2 and a half years of my life i couldn’t replace. She is by far the most beautiful person i know. And i don’t mean that in terms of attractiveness. Don’t take that wrong. She is a stunning person to look at. But she has the little things she does that are just so attractive. She has the mental capacity to understand the overlying things of what i try to say. That alone means more to me then any physical beauty.

The others person i was with for 3 years. She broke my sense of trust and i still don’t know if i’m fully recovered. There is still a bleeding wound in my life from it. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her. And right before that it came crumbleing down. It hurt more then i could have imagined. I’ve been through some seriously rough times in my life. I still love her regardless of how she hurt me. Call it a gluten for punishment or whatever. She still effects my daily judgements. A lot of whatif’s. How would my life be different. I still wouldn’t change it. She taught me an important lesson in life. Granted i may still not know it’s full extent but she did. She didn’t get me fully intellectully but she did get my spirit. And that still is important to me.

I don’t know what i’m trying to say. I’ve had my share of relationships. For a geek of my stature. Intelligence and field of work. I guess i could say i’ve been quite lucky in my dating.  I come from a tight knit family. There is not much that goes on that my family doesn’t know about. My sisters and i aren’t that close anymore. Granted they have families of there own. But were still close. We don’t show it in terms of talking or visiting. But if we truely needed each other we would be there in an instant. And for that i’m grateful.

I’m ventureing in my life down a path i haven’t been in a long time. Starting a new business. Trying to get it off the ground is so much more work then it ever was the first time. There’s a lot more riding on this succeeding then there ever was before. In my heart i feel that it will work. I feel the pull of it on me. I’m scared. It’s not a feeling i like. I’m used to controling all the aspects of my life. This has so many variables that are currently out of my control.

My wallpaper on my desktop is an image taken of the indianapolis motor speedway. It was take in turn 1 looking back at the front stretch. It’s serene and sincere. Peaceful in the sky. I’m listenning to Skillet – Collide. Writing this is quite alot for me. I’m usually a person who’s quite guarded and this lays alot out for me. I’ve been sitting here pondering over my biggest fear in life. It’s never been a fear about going homeless or anything of the sort. I know i have my family if things go way too wrong. It’s being alone. I am deathly scared of leading the rest of my life alone. Not finding the person who i love. Or having that person and knowing the slipped away because of my own mistake.

It’s just something i will have to live with. We shall see how life turns out.

• I wish i knew where i would be in 6 months. I want ot know if what i'm trying to do will fail or succeed. Ugh it's driving me crazy. #
• RT @AncillaTilia: Just read in a magazine Natalie Portman is supposedly quite kinky. That would explain why I've always adored her. #
• Hello everyone i know i haven't updated in a while i've been busy with a project hopefully it will come to light soon enough! #

• Working on RoomMate Bill hoping to get some major development hurdles done today so i can start working on the small stuff to get it ready. #
• Anyone have any good blogs to read. I'm looking for some. At this point i'm looking for any good reads. #
• -c- but i look forward to what is to come i see alot of potential in this group. The first night was a bit rough but still a great concert. #
• I had an amazing time last night with the avenue. Great Friends great music and a good new group. I'll miss my old friends from years past #
• Block llamos #
• I just posted a new blog about getting back into shape. Follow my progress through my blog http://rurl.org/1mgy #

So i’ve not been happy with my physical status for quite some time and i’ve decided to take charge of that and get myself into shape.

I’m doing 2 challenges simultaneously:
100 Push up Challenge
200 Sit ups Challenge

Why? Because i really need it. Back in 2001 I weighed 185lbs now i’m more around 250. It will raise my self esteem and just my general well being.

If i intend to go back into the navy i’ll definaitely need it for basic pt. Should give me a huge advantage over the other recruits.

As they suggest doing 3 times a week and starting on monday i’ll be starting tomorrow.

I’ll blog my adventures here. I’m also going to log my results on http://www.pushupslogger.com/plog/show_user/43321

• *yawn* I just woke up.. now to help a buddy tear down a fence should be an interesting day. #
• I'm waiting on my artist buddy to get back from poland … hoping we can get the comic launched by this fall. #
• It was an interesting time on tinychat tonight with @pvponline @Skawtnyc @rhoratio and @jinxville hope it can happen again sometime soon. #
• A comic i would suggest it's new but it's good and has good artwork. http://www.intrepidgirlbot.com/ #
• I've gotten a bunch of coding done tonight… i just wish i knew which of the content i have he wants posted where. #
• Half dragon half kinder #
• Anyone who has the chance to see Wicked from Broadway Across America. I would highly suggest seeing it. It was absolutely amazing!!!!!!!!!!! #
• I've been a musical fan most of my life. I am absolutely blown away by wicked and its only intermission holy shit this is good #

So i’ve been reading a bunch of comics lately. I’m gonna list out the more common one’s i read.

1. Thie Whiteboard http://www.the-whiteboard.com/ (Suggested Read!!!!)
2. Questionable Content http://questionablecontent.net/ (Suggested Read Updates Daily)
3. Dreamland Chronicles http://www.thedreamlandchronicles.com/ (Suggested Read!! Updates Daily)
4. Trying Human http://www.tryinghuman.com/ (I rather enjoy this comic strip)
5. Applegeeks http://applegeeks.com/ (Very good comic “Though i’m not a mac fan”)
6. Post-Nuke Comic http://www.postnukecomic.com/ (Hope this gets updated soon)
7. Undertow http://undertow.dreamshards.org/ (I really enjoy this comic)
8. Corner Alley 13 http://corneralley.comicgenesis.com/ (this comic started out a bit rough but i’ve come to rather enjoy it.)
9. Register One http://www.registeronecomic.com/ (I wish this comic was updated i really really liked it)

That’s the list of comic’s i check on a daily basis. I fully enjoy all of them and have intentions of buying print comics as soon as i have the funds or they become available. 

Trance:

I’ve been a fan of techno for a good number of years. I used to listen to Drum and Bass but more so lately its been trance. I’m quite fond as it doesn’t cause me a headache after 8~10 hrs of listenning. It also can be listened to while at work which is a major plus and no one complains.

My current trance station is PulsRadio http://www.pulsradio.com/

If you are a fan of Drums and Bass or Jungle you should checkout http://www.jungletrain.net/

It seems as of recently that there has been some phishing scams targeted at twitter.com.  As someone who use’s/abuse’s the service i was wondering about the intelligence of those being caught. I mean are people not looking at the address bar? Are people not questioning links containing tinyurl’s or rurl’s? Seriously people, this is why virus’s spread. This is why hackers can get away with what they do. My personal home system i don’t run an every day virus scan. Maybe once a week or once a month. I never turn up virus’s. Why? Intelligence and common sense.  Looking where you are going on the web. Not signging into pages that aren’t clearly from the company whom they say they are. 

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Nellie Jane Swartz. She lived a great life. Was Diagnosed with Stage 4 Terminal Cancer in July of 2002 She passed on 07-31-2008 at 2:30pm

So i’ve been using Redmine and it is a great software don’t get me wrong.

I have 2 complaints:

1. It’s Wicked Sluggish
2. It takes up Alot of CPU when processing.

I’ve been around alot of applications. I’ve never seen any take up 80+% of the cpu when compiling pages. So after talking with dustin i’m deciding to rewrite it into PHP it may not have exactly every feature but for the most part i’m gonna work on stripping redmine apart and rewriting it into something that would be a bit easier to install and run. Wish me luck.

Onto other news. The band practiced yesterday wasn’t bad but there could be alittle less goofing around. Something they complained about last time was other people. And yet again other people that just wanted to joke around. I am there to try and get better so that we can get the word out to other people but don’t get me wrong. Goofing and joking around with people is fine. Just in moderation.

Enough of that. So hopefully i’ll get one of these jobs that i’m interviewing for tomarrow if i get the second one. Hopefully they will work with my religious schedule since i am gone the second sunday of every month during the summer and i don’t want to miss this.

Hope you are all having a wonderfull summer!